Andy

10:54 pm: And now Gary Gygax too... Man, what a day!

I guess it all rests with Dave Arneson now.

04:22 pm: We all saw it coming...
...but none of us really acknowledged its potential. It is really weird. Thinking back on it, the first team I cheered for was the Green Bay Packers. The first quarterback I respected, as I got to know the game, was Brett Favre. Favre was our quarterback and is the only one I have really known for our team. It's definitely going to be different next year. Feels funny...

Thanks for such good times Brett!

09:56 pm: Movement
So, I suppose things are happening. Things are changing, as always--this life, all life, is chaotic. Entropy, heh.

You take a half breath and it catches in your throat. You don't feel the need to breathe, but you feel the loss of some innate ability. You know something is supposed to happen now, another step is supposed to come after the one you just took. It's just not there and you're at a loss. The feeling radiates down your chest and you feel your lungs quiver. What now? You can't exhale, you can't inhale, but you have to do something. What is it? What is this lingering action that fails to grace an outcome upon its query? And, why? Why now?

The excitement, the nervousness, the rushing adrenaline and paling unsuredness. May is coming up really quick right now and I'm excited as well as nervous. For the first time in 18 years I will not have school to look forward to (or dread although I know that I'm going to miss it like crazy) come this fall. Instead I will have job searching, insurance, payments, upkeep, rent, and the like to worry about. But, no more school--at least not right now.

I got something for this summer! I'm really excited about this (and of course nervous as well--but I think more excited than nervous). It is with a graduate student in the zoology department here at Madison. We will be out in Glacier National Park doing surveys for a small lagomorph called a pika: picture a small rabbit with short ears, rounded ears--like a cross between a guinea pig and a rabbit.


So, we'll be out backpacking (lots of off-trail) around the park looking for possible nesting sites for these guys. When we see something that looks like it might have them, we're gonna get to it and look for sign. If we do find evidence then we will mark it on the map and with the GPS before moving on to the next site. Lucas said that a lot of the weeks he does are 4 days on, 3 days off. I'm really excited about this: it sounds like fun, it sounds like I'm going to learn a lot, I'll be in the mountains, I'll make some great contacts, and I'll get a bit of money from it.

Another great thing I kind of happened into is what I'll be doing for spring break. There is a program here called Alternative Breaks. I applied and got into one that goes to Kentucky. We are going to be backpacking along this relatively new trail while helping restore and build the paths for it in southeastern Kentucky (just north of the Great Smoky Mountains). What an adventure this life is turning into.

Things right now just feel good. They feel--on the verge. I'm on the edge, ready to dive off. I'll be graduating in May and will be starting a great new leg of this journey. I'm trying to just do the things that I WANT to do right now. The things that are exciting and the things that sound fun. And, you know what? I'm actually having a good time.

I'm meeting more and more people too these days. There's always the confusing/complicated issue of relationship forming--I never really am sure enough where I stand with people to make huge leaps. But, even where I'm at right now with is ok with me. I feel like things are going to start happening... I suppose they'll be all the more interesting with my future starting to take shape.

08:12 pm: Exam over, brain=off
Think of 15 of your favorite movies, go to IMDB and find quotes for each. Post the quotes. When someone guesses the movie, add the movie name and the person who got it right. (No fair using IMDB to find the answer.)

1. The Great Outdoors, banantalis
Chet: "Bear... bear... Big Bear... big bear chase meeeeeeee...!"

2. Saving Private Ryan, calentir
Captain John H. Miller to Private Reiben: "You want to leave? You want to go off and fight the war? All right. All right. I won't stop you. I'll even put in the paperwork. I just know that every man I kill the farther away from home I feel. "

3. Legends of the Fall, banantalis
One Stab: "I thought Tristan would never live to be an old man. I was wrong about that. I was wrong about many things. It was those who loved him the most that died young. He was a rock they broke themselves against however much he tried to protect them."

4. Interview with the Vampire, banantalis
Lestat: "Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we. For no creatures under God are as we are, none so like him as ourselves."

5. Once, leaijrn
Girl: "How come you don't play during daytime? I see you here everyday."
Guy: "During the daytime people would want to hear songs that they know, just songs that they recognize. I play these song at night or I wouldn't make any money. People wouldn't listen."
Girl: "I listen. "

6. Braveheart, banantalis
Young William: "I can fight."
Malcolm Wallace (William's father): "I know. I know you can fight. But it's our wits that make us men."

7. Jurassic Park, toriafloria
Dr. Ian Malcolm: "The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me."

8. Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey, leaijrn
Chance/Narrator about Shadow: "There was more to that ol' boy than I give him credit for; I was soon to learn just how much more. But, even in that moment, I had to admire his faith, wherever it might lead us."

9. Sixth Sense, calentir
Dr. Malcom Crowe to his sleeping wife: "I think I can go now. Just needed to do a couple of things. I needed to help someone; I think I did. And I needed to tell you something: You were never second, ever. I love you. You sleep now. Everything will be different in the morning."

10. The Shawshank Redemption, banantalis
Both quotes by Red/Narrator: "I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."--or--"Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane."

11. Memento, banantalis
Leonard: "Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts."

12. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, banantalis
Pintel: "You're supposed to be dead!"
Captain Jack Sparrow: "Am I not?"

13. The Lion King, banantalis
Simba: "Yeah, but it still hurts."
Rafiki: "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."

14. Gladiator, banantalis
Maximus: "Do you find it difficult to do your duty?"
Cicero: "Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to."

15. The Green Mile, calentir
Paul Edgecomb: "We each owe a death - there are no exceptions - but sometimes, oh God, the Green Mile seems so long."
--or--
Brutal to Percy about now deceased Del: "He's even with the house now, and you will keep your hands off him."

01:59 pm: WhooWhooWhoo!!!!
I got the position with the grad student at Glacier National Park!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


...more on this later ;-)

11:00 am: Yes... But, really? Why so early?


You're the time of day right around sunrise, when the sky is still a pale bluish gray. The streets are empty, and the grass and leaves are a little bit sparkly with dew. You are the sound of a few chirpy birds outside the window. You are quiet, peaceful, and contemplative. If you move slowly, it's not because you're lazy – it's because you know there's no reason to rush. You move like a relaxed cat, pausing for deep stretches that make your muscles feel alive. You are long sips of tea or coffee (out of a mug that's held with both hands) that slowly warm your insides just as the sun is brightening the sky.

09:33 pm: Oh the places we go
Wow, life. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this being my last semester. I'm not sure if it has struck me yet or if I'm really good at just moving on. Maybe both. I'm meeting with my advisor on Thursday to go over one last check to make sure that I have everything in order. Then I'll apply for graduation and...well. Come May I should be done with my undergraduate work. Crazy.

Jake and Karen are engaged!!! Oh my gosh! I'm so happy for them! I can't really put it into words. I mean, it was expected but at the same time it's just a very happy moment. I'm glad I'm here to share it with them. And it means a lot that they are sharing it with me (I'm pretty sure I can have the position of pet dog if they'll give it to me).

Mexico was really amazing. I had such a good time. I really learned a lot, had fun working in some new areas of conservation and research. I went snorkeling for the first time. I went body surfing for the first time. I got to see some very amazing sites and we had some grand adventures.

12:45 am: I'm back from Mexico. And I really learned quite a bit. I learned things I like, I learned things I don't like. I forgot a bit about who I was and I came across some new bits. New people, new places, new experiences. Things I had let go of in my life seemed to come back to me. Lots of stuff: the trip was great.

And it's back to school now although the transition is rough. I can't wait for this semester to be over, yet I don't want it to end. I'm torn, right now, between a lot of things. Torn by people, torn by faith, torn by the future. And yet, everything is good. I suppose this is me being accepting. Accepting of what has become, what is happening, and what lingers in the near future.

There is so much I'm bursting to talk about, but I must wait just a little bit.

01:24 pm: That time of year again...
And the biannual cycle continues. Here's what I'm predicting for my grades for my classes and later I'll post the real grades. It's really more for me than anyone else.

Class (credits): expected grade/actual grade
Zoology 315--Limnology (2): C,BC/B
Botany 460--Ecology (4): B,AB/B
Zoology 360--Extinction of Species (3): A/A
Biology 152--2nd Sem. Bio (5): B/B
Wildlife Ecology 375--Cons. in W. Mexico (2): AB/A
Cumulative 3.06-3.19/3.313

*EDIT* That was a nice surprise! Two of my grades were higher than I thought they'd be. Ended up with a 3.3 and my cumulative is still a 3.411. Alright, I'm outta here. Up to the Packer game and then down to Mexico.

Definitely my worst semester yet--academically. But, I've been the busiest and I think have actually had the most fun this semester. I really feel like I've been finding myself, despite how cliche or stupid or sappy that sounds. I guess I'm just falling into my own. Ups and downs have happened; that's an intimate part of my life at this point. But, I'm just starting to get more comfortable with what I know is me. It feels kind of good.

Exams are done on Tuesday and then a much needed break. One more semester after this. Whew...

06:16 pm: Made Aware
It turns out that few choices in life, in real life, in the waking moments of now, are made simple; there are minimal things made plain and clear. The paths we follow are not so clear cut that they hone in our perception to the easiest of choices that we witness in fantasy. Choosing can be very hard and can hurt very much.

PS--If you tend towards those that are pure and virtuous, whole and unblemished of all Pringles, then do not accept any that have traveled through the mail. They come out quite crumbly ;-)

10:14 pm: Just a wish...
I don't believe that any single person, living or dead, was ever without want, without wishes, without dreams.

That being said, I know I have wants, wishes, and dreams. Right now? I don't know what category it falls into. It's a dream that I want and dearly wish to be true, but I know its not. It's a wish of an ending that is unlikely. It's something I know I'll dream about in times to come and I know it's something that I've dreamt of in times past.

Sometimes there isn't enough time. Sometimes you wish there were more time. Sometimes you wish that things had happened at a different time.

But, you know what? "If wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak." I like steak and I like horses and I have a wish. But, we enjoy the time we have and let our thoughts fan out to encompass what could be different in a healthy dynamic of reality and fantasy. As long as we enjoy and make the most of what we have right now then the dreams have already begun their odyssey of fruition.

01:18 am: Alone
...something that I never really want to be. I want to get away, but I want to be able to come back.

Some people dream about that group of friends that can't be separated. They knew each other in high school and still hang out together any time they are together. They keep in contact through good and bad, through graduation and moving. They manage to hang in there together.

I think I want that. But, thus far I've only done a good job about dreaming that it will be there to come back to. I haven't facilitated the necessary steps that are so very important now in order to keep the group close.

I miss a lot of people. I don't want to miss them anymore.

06:29 pm: Serenity Then
It's always so hard to come back here. I feel good when I've been up north, I feel great. It seems that I find a certain tranquility in the woods when I'm by myself--I seem to sort out all my problems. I plan out what I'm going to say and what I'm going to do. It's a dream.

But, eventually we wake up. I come back here and I rarely carry out any of my planned actions. I'm back around people--they tell me what to do, how to think and how to act. Life here is rigid while up north it's free.

It's too bad that I'm not feeling particularly glib right now. I have so many things that I'd like to say. I'd like to speak my mind about the conclusions that I've come to, to the ideas that have emerged, and just the general things that you think about when alone. Rejuvenated--that's really how I feel at this juncture, although tomorrow it will ebb into defeatedness. Cities wear me down, even cities so small and liberal as Madison. It's like a bog.

Everyone here thinks alike. I'm moderate to liberal in most of political views, and I bring up political views because they are widespread and easy to relate to, but it felt really good to hear some conservative talks these last two weeks. Frustrating as some of the ideas were, it felt so good to hear something, anything, outside of the liberal babbling that seems a constant stream whilst my days are spent in this city.

But, most of all, it was good to hear the wind. It was so relaxing to be in the midst of a sea of trees, swaying and creeking with the cold and current of the air. The thrill and rush that surged through my body when a grouse exploded from its hiding spot was better than watching any great sports play. Watching a flock (apparently that's a rafter) of turkeys run circles around their food and peck at each other amused my soul to no end. Taking a moment to lose myself on the trail on some track I didn't know was just so refreshing and awakening. The cool weather and clean air, the bright moon and the flowing creek, the marsh thickets and the tag elder swamps--all of it, there's no true description. It felt so good.

Tomorrow is always a hard day.

12:02 am: There are so many things to do in life. There are so many things that later I'll be able to look back and remember with a smile. I fear the things that I look back and don't remember--I fear those things not accomplished. I fear most those things not attempted.

No regrets.

08:51 pm: What it is
What is it that truly defines our role in this world? Does, after all of the complexities and chaotic intertwinings of the span of time in which we create and receive actions, our life come down to a simple, basic set of parameters to which we are segregated in all of our choices--defiant and succumbing? The messy whole is truly a set of simplistic responses to which we are predestined--choice, and the very complex nature of each and every person's experience based understanding of life rationed by the predicament in which every decision is made, places each step in a certain direction that already contains known outcomes. Free will with a dash of fate. Ahh, how simply stated chaos shows its truest facets.

How silly it is when long philosophical lingerings in my mind stem from the musings of movies--especially those not claimed to be anything more than simple entertainment. This weekend I've watched three different movies, each of them making me think a bit differently, a bit the same. I saw Transformers for the first and second time. I was actually impressed. Yeah, I'm a dork. I saw The Darjeeling Limited which was odd. It had some funny parts, but really and truly it was wierd. I also watched V for Vendetta again with Jake and Karen. Today was the 5th of November and it's becoming custom.

The above part didn't really come from any of those movies, that was just me thinking. Mostly, it was me restating things I've already thought about and something that I will continue to think about as long as--well, I really can't say how long. What truly sprouted from these movies were the wonderings of chaos, order, and nobility. Those who follow order, a stricter path, seem noble when they achieve the impossible, when they act with benevolence. They are a pillar of strength in an otherwise weak world. A model, a goal, a hero--complete impressiveness. What about when they fail? Consequences.

What about chaos? The roguish figure isn't seen in a light of glory even when they achieve great ends. The hero deviant carries out actions for an idea. A thought, a symbol. While the lawful are glorified for the example that they have set, the rogue is lost in the crowd. I would argue that Robin Hood was the lawful side of his escapade. Robin Hood fought for an idea by being what the people thought was proper. What was proper were just laws, was fighting against the tyrannical anarchy that was oppressing them. Robin Hood followed the order which had been lost in the overthrow of the law by an oppressor of the people.

Now, those who will not end their life upon the pedastal of glory know that this will be their end. Their choices have brought them to a clearer path and they could see far enough ahead to know this. When do these 'true heroes' decide upon what they must do? Is there a point where they look and see that they have to risk so much and truly make a decision? This seems to happen in the movies. The protagonist reaches a point where they have to make this heart-rending choice. The movie pauses, it centers on the main character's face, he looks dead ahead or he looks back and forth (it could be she too, don't stop me now). Sweat drips down his dirt-streaked face and his eyebrows are high in confusion and fear. He comes to realization. He grabs his gun, he wipes the sweat away, he draws a knife, he looks out into the distance, he nods--his eyebrows lower and he accepts. He takes a step and the path is drawn.

But, is that how it really happens? Does it really ever happen or is this a circumstance that is created to help me fulfill my own fantasies deep within my imagination? Others have had these fantasies--hence the movies, the books, the tales, the myths. Do these things drive us to make decisions that would lead us to be more like this heroish ideal--this glory in lack of glory? What is the power of knowing over having known? Does the benevolent deviant decide to choose the less well known path because there will be the hidden truth that someone may stumble upon linking his actions to revolutions? Is there even more glory in this? Only questions and no answers.

I don't care what the hero does. I don't know which one is better. I know which is more inspiring to me despite both of them raising my spirits. But, what gets me most is their belief. Always in these movies, in the end, the hero believes so strongly in what he is doing. This I think is more than just the creation of entertainers. I think that those people who have affected the world the most have succumbed to entire belief. I'm sure they doubted--everyone does. But, I think they held on to what they were striving for and held it so close to their heart that it became belief. It is the only way that hope can truly lead you anywhere. If you don't believe in hope, a hope, any hope it won't come to fruition. In order to achieve that which you want most you must believe that it can be gained and that it is right.

It's hard to look past those things--little and large--which hold us back in life. It's hard to overcome stubbing your toe at the start of your day, it's hard to get past mourning the loss of someone dear. There are no kind words that make these things easier. People can inspire us to overcome the grief, great or small. People can help us--powerful is the presence of others in our lives. But, it boils down to your own attitude and what you can do. You can know that it will get better. You can truly believe in the things ahead of you or you can continue to not see passed what has transpired. Note, that it is already behind you.

Forward we go in time always and the power of our belief in overcoming those things in our life will slow down the process so that we can enjoy what is around us in times of hardship and strife. Just as every particle covers all space at all times, so do all variations of the spectrum between good and bad, beauty and ugliness, hate and love. While all you can see in the world may be veiled in the pall shadings of grief or loathing, there is still good.

This is what I believe. I believe in the power of good, no matter what form it comes in, no matter what would shade out its brilliance, no matter what must be done to bring it forth. I believe in its power and existence because I know that it is truly there.

But, I ramble on. My mom is doing very well in the hospital, the surgery having gone fine. I was much more afraid of losing her than I realize. I left Madison Thursday night to go be with my family and to see her as soon as she was out of the ICU on Friday. It was good to be home. I love my family dearly and would do much to keep them safe. I hate it when that power is taken from me. I fear when I know it doesn't come down to what I want and my actions cannot have as great of an impact as I would like. That scared me. It scared me that I could not give her a hug the night before the surgery. It scared me that the voicemail from her that I saved may have been the last of her voice that I had ever heard.

It filled me with joy when I heard her laugh aerily floating down the hallway of the hospital as I treaded closer to her room with my brother. It almost brought a tear to my eye when I say that beaming countenance when my brother and I came around the curtain. I love my mom--I love my family.

05:17 am: I'm tired and worn out. And worried. But, good? Yeah, you know... It could always be raining...or raining harder. Things could be worse.

12:24 am: I wish that I had been there in the beginning, to see the world untouched by man. I wish I could see the world from the eyes of the wild, unknowing to that which human hands have shaped the world.

I wish the world were whole.

12:20 am: Good ol' meme
Your results:
You are Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)

Malcolm Reynolds (Captain) 75% Derrial Book (Shepherd) 70% Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic) 65% Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command) 60% Jayne Cobb (Mercenary) 60% Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic) 45% Wash (Ship Pilot) 45% Alliance 40% River (Stowaway) 35% Inara Serra (Companion) 30% A Reaver (Cannibal) 10%

Honest and a defender of the innocent. You sometimes make mistakes in judgment but you are generally good and would protect your crew from harm.

Click here to take the Serenity Personality Quiz

06:19 pm: The thought just brushed past, just barely skimmed the shell of concentration surrounding his thoughts. It breezed by yet forced him to lower the .22 rifle for a moment, take a breath, and reconcentrate. The thought was gone and he filled his mind with what filled his vision; the snowshoe hare took another slow motion hop, setting itself gently upon the edge of a shadow. It leaned forward into the pool of reddish morning light and gently nibbled off a clover.

Just then a whisp of wind blew past Joe, the white pine's rubbery arms to his right softly bounced to and fro. The hare lifted its head, nose twitching at the scent that rode the stirring breeze. Ka-POP! Its large feet kicked out hard upon the ground as its body fell. With a few more kicks and body trembles the creature stopped moving.

As Joe approached he could see a small spattering of blood, kicked up dirt and pine needles in the rapidly whitening light. The snowshoe lay dead in the shadow of the white pine. Carefully Joe reached out with the barrel of the gun and pushed the carcass. The head lolled to one side revealing a neat, red hole. Joe kneeled down and turned the head with his hand. A bit of clover fell from the mouth of the dead animal as its head rotated loosely about its neck. The other side of its head revealed a dark whole where the animal's eye once existed. Flecks of blood and bone matted the side of its head and its long ear.

Joe grabbed it by the ears and thrust it harshly into his back pouch while he stepped into the sunlit circle from the newly forming mist in the shadows. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, letting the morning sun warm his face. The thought of school and the trip back home flooded back into his mind, cutting his breath short. "Fucking school..." he muttered.

He opened his eyes and everything was white. Reaching up to his face he rubbed his eyes frantically, leaving blood prints on his cheeks. He blinked rapidly and leaned over while a rushing sound filled his ears. It was getting harder to stand. Forced to his knees, he closed his eyes again and covered them with his hands. The roaring in his ears was louder and he crumpled to the forest floor as the sunlight grew uncomfortably warm. The brightness shone through his hands and through his eyelids. All was white then all was black...

12:37 am: Belief. To believe, truly: the driving force behind your actions, the law behind your justice, the reason behind your judgement, the sight of your eyes, the breath in your lungs, the thoughts in your mind, the guidance of your hand and the path of your step. Whole heartedly--accepted--everything. Belief... Life.

The feel of your bed in the cool mornings, when there is so much to be done but so little ambition to venture forth into the future tasks, is irreplaceable and undescribable in its true form. It is, not a thing of beauty, but an inviting hallowed sanctuary against the waking world. Protection and comfort, literally and metaphorically. Just close your eyes and stay still, the world might not miss your presence--yet that brings up so much more debate.

It wasn't this way today. Matt turned away from the mysterious uncomfort of whatever thing he had forgotten in his bed. He twisted out from the knotted ball that stuck him in the ribs and curled his hands up beneath his head. A reverent fetal creature looking only for the redeeming comfort of the sheets across his side and the pillow beneath his head. He was dismayed to not find such comfort. Slowly he opened his eyes...